The author of the article is Maja Kołodziejczyk, a journalist at Gazeta.pl.
I grew up in a complete, loving family. In my family album, there are photos of my dad changing my diapers when I was an infant, pulling me on a sled, and building sandcastles with me during vacations. When I was little, I assumed everyone had that. As I grew older, I realized that’s not the case at all. As an adult woman, I have many friends whose fathers are absent from their lives. I don’t know a single person who doesn’t keep in touch with their mother, but with their father? Yes.
Lack of Equality
Pregnancy is a unique but also very difficult state. Many women endure it with great difficulty, suffering from nausea, abdominal pain, headaches, and many other ailments. There’s also the risk of complications. Our bodies change - our bellies grow, our breasts enlarge. During this state, we are very fragile. We need support from someone who will encourage us and accompany us on this journey. Someone who will spend time with us, help us when we run out of strength, and drive us to our appointments. After all, pregnancy doesn’t happen because of one person’s actions. Abandoning a partner in such a state is cruel, but it happens. Sometimes the other person isn’t ready to help and support. I’ve heard stories where the man said, "Sorry, I can’t handle this." And what consequences did he face? A child support hearing. No scars on his body, no sleepless nights, no work problems. A woman can’t say she’s not ready or back out. By this stage, it’s too late for her. She’ll have to manage on her own.
Blaming Mothers
While reading various articles and the comments below them, I noticed a recurring pattern. When an accident involves a child - like when a child runs into a busy street - people ask, "Where was the mother?!" Occasionally, someone asks, "Where were the parents?!" But I’ve never seen anyone ask, "Where was the father?!" I also feel that when fathers are seen playing with their children, people are moved. "What great, engaged dads," they comment. Mothers playing with their kids don’t impress anyone. It’s almost as if it’s expected that this is women’s duty. Paradoxically, it’s for women that the insulting term "madka" (an offensive Polish term for a bad mother) was created. There’s no equivalent for fathers.
We’re constantly bombarded with headlines like "Polish women don’t want to give birth." But what about the question, "Do Polish men want to be fathers?" When my friend told her gynecologist that she didn’t want to have children, the doctor responded, "Who will give birth in this country, then?" It’s as if the decision to have children depends solely on women and is driven only by their will. But that’s not the case. I have friends who dream of motherhood but can’t find responsible partners who want to be fathers and embrace everything that comes with it. No one asks men, "When are you going to father and raise a child?" I feel like the declining birth rate is blamed solely on women.
Why Don’t I Want to Be a Mother?
I don’t want to be a mother because I don’t see myself in the role of a parent in the next 10 years. I don’t want to be a mother because I fear the changes that happen to the body during pregnancy. I don’t want to be a mother because I’m terrified of childbirth. I don’t want to be a mother because women in Poland don’t have the right to make decisions about their own bodies. I don’t want to be a mother because the idea of being left without support after giving birth is frightening. I don’t want to be a mother because I know society has placed greater responsibility on women. I don’t want to be a mother because I’m horrified by stories of women begging men for money for their own child. I don’t want to be a mother because one in five families in Poland is single-parent, and I don’t want to raise a child on my own (according to the latest census, 18.8% of families in Poland are single-parent, with only 3.8% of those headed by single fathers).
Why Would I Consider Becoming a Father?
If I could be a father, I would consider parenthood because I know I would support my partner during pregnancy. If I could be a father, I would consider parenthood because I know I can take responsibility for my actions. If I could be a father, I would consider parenthood because I wouldn’t have to give birth. If I could be a father, I would consider parenthood because I would have full control over decisions about my body (vasectomy is a legal medical procedure, but tubal ligation isn’t). If I could be a father, I would consider parenthood because I know I would be actively involved in raising the child. If I could be a father, I would consider parenthood because if the relationship didn’t work out, I would stay committed to caring for my own child and pay child support. If I could be a father, I would consider parenthood because seeing me with a stroller would be met with approval and smiles from people on the street. If I could be a father, I would consider parenthood because a doctor would never ask me when I plan to father a child. If I could be a father, I would consider parenthood because no one would ever call me a "madka."
Would a Father Want to Be a Mother?
I talked with friends about my feelings. Some people understood them immediately. But not everyone. Some expressed concern, wondering if I was voluntarily depriving myself of something important. "Do you really want to give up the opportunity to watch someone grow who is a part of you? To carry them inside you, care for them, and raise them?" one friend asked me once. He was divorced and had a child, actively involved in the child’s upbringing, yet he still dreamed of finding someone with whom he could build a stable family. He wanted more children; being a parent brought him satisfaction, but he couldn’t have them on his own.
Another friend, who is in a happy relationship, admired what his wife had experienced. "I was there for her when she was pregnant, when she gave birth, when she was recovering, and when she was nursing. When I look back on those days, I feel admiration for her. She had to bear so much on her own. Even though I wanted to, I couldn’t relieve her of many things - though I definitely would’ve taken on all the pain, sleeplessness, wounds, health issues, tears, doubts, and fears. If only I could, I would’ve taken it all on myself. But I couldn’t. Just as I could never feel the baby’s movements inside me, the growing life, or the act of nursing. Some things are inaccessible to me, and I say that with regret. Maybe even with envy. I look at my wife and see how she feels our children differently," he said.
He noted that the decision to have children was mutual, and he understood his wife’s concerns. But if he could have taken those on himself, he would’ve done it. "Maybe if biology had offered other possibilities, we would have had children sooner. I don’t want to paint myself as a hero, talking about how hard it was for me while my partner was pregnant. But the fact is, I felt helpless, unable to help her in any way other than simply being there," he concluded.
We’re Not All the Same, and We Should Respect That
Parenthood can bring great happiness, but it’s also a huge responsibility. We are built differently, our bodies perform different functions, but that doesn’t give anyone the right to impose their will on us. Not wanting to be a mother doesn’t mean I diminish the struggle of couples who try for years to have a child. Fearing childbirth doesn’t mean I can deny the happiness of a woman who wants to carry a child. Being frustrated by stories of deadbeat fathers doesn’t mean I ignore the men who fight in court for custody of their children. What’s important is that we respect each other’s choices and recognize that children should not be born into an atmosphere of uncertainty, fear, unhappiness, or loneliness.
