Ola Długołęcka: I thought the generation of today's moms with young children and teenagers was slowing down the cult of dieting, but here we are with almond moms making an appearance.
Sonia Ziemba-Domańska: Not at all! Neither the next generation nor the one after it will stop focusing on appearance. We won’t stop valuing the body as a measure of worth, nor will we stop centering diets and thinness. The message is clear, and almond moms are sending it with their whole being: if you’re bigger, heavier, or look different from the ideal portrayed in social media, you are less important, less visible, and will achieve less.
What are almond moms like, and how do they differ from their own mothers?
These are women who primarily pressure their daughters to meet their expectations for a slim figure. They also restrict their own eating and exercise intensely. Their pressure for thinness is wrapped differently now - framed as concern for health and well-being rather than just dieting, which now carries a stigma of being unhealthy. In our parents’ time, health wasn’t as heavily promoted as it is now. Today, a healthy lifestyle is a must. In fitness circles, eating chips or drinking sugary drinks is frowned upon.
Before our conversation, I saw a dietitian on Instagram who said there's no such thing as balance and harmony, that you can’t be on a "healthy diet" and allow yourself "small indulgences," because that’s self-deception. She has over 130,000 followers and is making some young girl skip a candy bar because of the sugar or fries because of the fat. We used to eat potatoes, a cutlet, and cucumber salad, and that was that. No one on a phone was screaming that it’s unhealthy, that food should be separated or baked instead of fried. Our millennial generation has access to all sorts of information and encounters it at an intensity our parents didn’t.
I hope I'm not an almond mom. I have a filter in my head and a sieve in my throat. I’m very careful on my side of the family, and my husband is careful on his side, so that no one criticizes appearances or talks about diets, calories, weight gain, tight dresses, or friends who’ve "let themselves go"…
...or about friends who’ve "really packed on the pounds." You’re right to want to break the cycle of diet talk. Modern young women and mothers view their bodies through the lens of how they were raised and the messages they received at home. It’s embedded in subconscious scripts.
An almond mom will say, "Don't eat too much", "You’d better have salad", "Are you sure you want to eat that?", "Sweets only once a week," "Do you want to look like Mrs. X and her daughter Y?", "Cola, seriously?!", "You’ll have to burn off that candy bar". She’ll go for ice cream but won’t eat any because she’s on a diet. She’ll "allow" herself cake, but only if she skips dinner the next day. It's a pattern of behaviors taken to excess.
Such a mom constantly checks, watches, restricts, refuses. She won’t offer second helpings, scrutinizes growth charts, points out that shorts are too tight, compares, and focuses on body shape, weight, and measurements. This message is reinforced by her body language - raised eyebrows of disapproval, pursed lips, shaking her head. Almond moms feel uncomfortable in their own bodies, and their children become extensions of themselves. The child’s appearance reflects on the mother, and she doesn’t want her child to be overweight or unfit.
If I understand correctly, almond moms as a phenomenon emerged on TikTok as a form of critique. They were identified, characterized, and roasted by their own children. So their daughters are aware of what their moms are doing. How do they react?
They use the hashtag #almondmom and find other girls in similar situations, forming a group where they can laugh it off. But let’s remember that laughing it off is the simplest way to cope with emotions. Rarely do these girls fully realize that this is a kind of harm, and when they do, they don't often talk about it. More commonly, they try to hide it.
The first almond mom is Yolanda Hadid, the mother of top model Gigi Hadid. Her daughter made it big despite everything. Would she be where she is without her mother’s control and guidance? We don’t know. So there may be a way of thinking that almond moms - although strict - are looking out for their child’s well-being and only want the best for them.
More self-aware daughters try to take greater control over their own lives. This can stem from the character or personal development of the individual girl. We’re talking about women, but let’s emphasize that sons also experience this. Some of these behaviors can be considered a form of emotional abuse toward the child.
Are there daughters who tell their mom, "Leave me alone and stop commenting on my body"?
Yes, because contrary to what you might think, there are many self-aware young people. This is typically something you hear from teenage girls around 17, who often already suffer from eating disorders. They’re the ones who end up in therapy offices.
They recall being restricted from eating certain foods as children, particularly sweets, which were either limited or they were made to feel guilty about eating them. They were criticized and compared to other girls, receiving compliments like, "You're so pretty, but your face is a little round." These small, sharp remarks stuck in their minds. Later, they look in the mirror and only see what was pointed out to them, and they start working on themselves to match some ideal and make their mother proud. Almond moms, in hindsight, explain that they meant well.
These are often career women who don’t have time for ordinary interactions with their children, like talking and explaining things. Sometimes my daughter comes up to me and says, "Wow, your belly is big—bigger than mine!"
And how do you respond?
I say to her, "Yes, I have a big belly, it's bigger than yours. Bellies look different, and it’s great that we’re different when it comes to bellies." And that's it. I don't continue or get offended like, "What do you mean, a big belly?!" The reaction should normalize diversity.
What does a child of such a mother do?
They might either withdraw, become aggressive, or try to be like their mom, the most important person in their life. They’ll eat that salad, and maybe even a smaller portion than the one their mom served.
Such behaviors are harmful.
They strip the child of their identity and discourage them from eating. Because "Agatka and Zosia can eat everything, but I can't." This shapes their personality and habits. Of course, healthy habits are important, but balance is crucial. Without balance, children are led into eating disorders: anorexia, bulimia, binge eating. Additionally, their self-esteem decreases – because something must be wrong with me. Although it's supposedly just about appearance, thoughts about it affect other areas of life, making the child more shy, struggling to stand out, and starting to eat in secret because they can’t eat in front of their mother, even though they want to - food becomes a way of coping with emotions.
This concerns me because I find candy wrappers and chocolate wrappers under my daughter's bed, in her pockets, and in her backpack. I fool myself into thinking that she's not eating her emotions but simply loves sugar and highly palatable foods.
You find the wrappers -what happens next?
Nothing happens, I just throw them away. Sometimes I ask her not to stash food leftovers in her room because bugs might appear. I don’t yell, because then she would just get better at hiding it, but she wouldn’t stop indulging in the taste.
When yelling, the complaints come out: "That much candy, it's unhealthy", "You’ll get fat, sick", "You won’t eat dinner, there’ll be consequences!". As a result, the child begins to fear, but they won’t stop eating because it brings them pleasure. Eating openly means getting in trouble, and being caught eating in secret also causes trouble. What’s the conclusion? They must learn to hide it better.
My daughter loves sweets too, just like that. This is normal for children.
It’s important to be understanding, set rules - not before meals, not instead of meals. Educate, set boundaries, and communicate. Don’t offer almonds instead of sweets or force them to balance the calories by skipping dinner or burning them off with exercise. Talking to your child and creating a space where they feel trust and safety is essential. If sweets are important to them, let them have them, but remind them to brush their teeth longer to avoid cavities.
I see that there's a big emphasis now on diversity, body positivity, and normalizing all body shapes. Teenagers wear crop tops and show off different bellies. They have hips, thighs, busts. They look as if they accept themselves.
You’re talking about a bubble and appearances. You have two messages: the cult of thinness and, on the other side, the focus on acceptance and body positivity. The stance that having the belly you have is okay, and showing it off, represents a minority way of thinking and being. Furthermore, it can be a façade of acceptance, as it often simply hides these girls’ insecurities. We really don’t know what’s going on in their heads.
What’s it like in this bubble? Is it nice and safe?
In the case of body positivity, the circle of people sharing this view is a small group. The emphasis on diversity is an expression of a freedom-driven mindset. I’m free, I can show off my belly, my group accepts it, and I’m part of it. In general, being different as a way of standing out is something young people are embracing nowadays, like in the case of neurodiverse individuals, those with ADHD, or Asperger’s syndrome - they don’t hide, they accept themselves.
If I’m not thin, I won’t get into the group of thin people, but if I embrace the idea of being free with the body I have, I’ll feel like I belong somewhere. If I have truly chosen this path and accept myself in a conscious way, that's great! But what if I’m doing it because I can’t be different? I’m not sure if young girls, young women entering adulthood, have enough awareness for the first scenario to be the case.
But at least they have representatives and a broader perspective on reality than we did as teenagers.
You say that, but the message in the family home hasn't changed. My late grandmother, who raised me, was very focused on both her appearance and mine. She would stand in front of the mirror and pinch the skin on her stomach to "improve circulation" - even as a 70-year-old woman. I would hear that I might weigh too much or that I should eat fewer sweets. I developed an eating disorder because appearance was important not only to me but also to those around me - children can be cruel and unaccepting.
What distinguishes an almond mom from a mother who simply exercises and eats healthily?
A mother who isn't an almond mom doesn’t impose her lifestyle on the rest of the family. She doesn't scrutinize their plates, doesn't comment or criticize, and exercises for her own health and strength, not for a 60 cm waistline. I'm a vegetarian, but my kids absolutely love meat. They constantly offer me sausages and cold cuts to try. I explain why I don't want them, but I don't pressure them to follow my diet.
You can take care of yourself, eat well, exercise, but you don’t have to impose all of that on your children or look at them with disapproval if they don’t follow along. Non-almond moms respect their children's choices within reasonable limits. When my daughter wants to eat chocolate wafers before breakfast, I say no. After breakfast? Sure, go ahead.
And if she doesn’t listen and eats before breakfast?
I'll tell her I’m disappointed she didn’t follow my request, and that’s it. There won’t be any aggression, anger, or criticism in my response, and those words won’t instill fear in her.
How can you tell if you might be crossing the line of reason and becoming an almond mom - an overly controlling parent when it comes to food?
By listening and watching your child’s reactions. They will communicate if our behavior is hurting them - if they have the courage and strength to do so. Maybe a partner will notice something, or a friend will point out: "You eat like a bird and won’t let your daughter have cake at a birthday party, even though all the other kids are eating it, and you say she’ll gain weight. That’s not okay."
There’s a lot of content on social media promoting body positivity, self-acceptance, and kindness toward oneself - maybe those messages will break through the algorithms and reach us, prompting reflection. It would be great if we could go deeper and think about why it's so important for us that our child be thin. Could it be an extension of our own problems and insecurities? Being an almond mom has serious consequences - it can lead to eating disorders in the child and damage the parent-child relationship.
I feel like extreme almond moms find it hard to recognize the problem because they operate within a system that doesn’t see anything wrong in this behavior. They don't want to disrupt anything; they’re afraid of what will happen if they gain weight.
Yes, but we have great examples of breaking free from that system - Taylor Swift, Selena Gomez, Rihanna, Lana Del Rey, Patricia Kazadi, Ewa Farna - they all speak out, saying that it’s impossible to maintain the body of a 15-year-old for life, that living in a constant state of hunger and strict exercise regimes comes at a cost.
They’ve let go and are showing that our bodies have the right to change, that we are not just numbers on a scale or measurements on a tape. It’s important what lens we’re viewing ourselves through. As a therapist, I see the deeper side of these situations. Famous people are making these shifts because they know it’s possible and feel the acceptance of their fans and the circles they move in. But what they feel when they log off Instagram, we don’t know. They are stars but also media products, and when they no longer want to or have the energy to meet the exhausting expectations, they change their narrative.
Do you see an end to diet culture?
No. As long as the strong message of the cult of thinness exists and we live in an online world driven by algorithms, nothing will change. Going to the gym, eating salads, and drinking smoothies define us and say more about us than a thousand words. Psychoeducation, balance, and reevaluation — these are the steps toward change. The body isn’t everything, and it isn’t a constant value like being empathetic or smart. The body changes: it gains weight, loses weight, and ages. Building your self-worth on your body is very risky. But on the other hand, we only have one body, and we should take care of it.
