Written by Ewa Jankowska, journalist at Gazeta.pl
Ewa Jankowska: According to research, people are increasingly frustrated with online dating, and popular dating apps are seeing a decline in downloads. The Match Group, owner of apps like Tinder, Meetic, OKCupid, and Hinge, has reported a steady loss of users over the past year. Are we witnessing the end of the online dating era?
Dr. Agata Loewe-Kurilla, sexologist: I don’t think we’ll see a mass exodus from dating apps anytime soon. The biggest one, Tinder, currently has around 80 million users. The app creators won’t give up that easily and will continue adapting to meet users’ needs. It’s simply very lucrative.
That said, a lot has changed in the 12 years since Tinder launched. Many people have found long-term partners, but just as many have had negative online dating experiences—enough to make them give up on this form of connection. Others repeatedly log in and out of online dating.
Is fatigue and frustration with online dating common among your clients?
Very common! And not just among clients but also friends who often share their experiences with me. This frustration stems from a few main issues. Firstly, people feel like they’re treated as products, unsure if anyone will "pick" them. The key is to present yourself well, but there’s always the question of whether your virtual self aligns with your real self and if someone will truly want to get to know and accept the real you. Secondly, you’re not the only "product" on the shelf; there’s heavy competition. Some people do well in the popularity contest, while others are constantly struggling for attention. This is especially challenging for men—there are generally more women than men on apps like Tinder, and men receive fewer likes.
One male friend of mine, very worn out by online dating, wrote to me, "Women have too many options. I once peeked at my female friend’s Tinder, and she had tons of matches and unread messages".
Heterosexual men, especially those who have to make a big effort to meet someone, find it tough on dating apps. And not just there. When dating apps first emerged, I was thrilled that women could finally open up more about their sexual needs and express them on equal footing with men. And indeed, the apps allowed that. Unfortunately, changes in mentality haven’t kept up with technological advances, and these women still often face slut-shaming [criticism of behavior or appearance related to sexuality – Ed.]. This is particularly prevalent in countries with strong patriarchal values.
How does this slut-shaming manifest on dating apps?
Women using these apps are often disrespected by their male matches, who speak to them in vulgar ways, not seeing them as serious relationship material. The apps themselves perpetuate this slut-shaming culture, encouraging you to set your main profile photo to one showing cleavage or in a swimsuit—because that generates the most interest. This is, of course, tempting because more likes mean a dopamine boost, and thus the cycle continues.
What Else is Frustrating?
In recent years, there’s been more discussion around how the internet, social media, and apps—including dating apps—operate. People have realized they are essentially at the mercy of algorithms. Do you think dating app creators genuinely want you to find someone for life?
If not that, what do they want?
Primarily, they want you to keep using the app. And this applies not just to dating apps but to all kinds of apps, including streaming services. Sure, it’s great if you meet someone, as it gives you the sense that the app "gave" you something. But it’s even better if things don’t work out, so you’ll log back into the system.
What if you’re using multiple apps? Or, like another client of mine—a 38-year-old who returned to dating apps after a long-term relationship—you realize that the age range of potential matches is so broad that the list of profiles seems endless?
Maybe it’s good that dating apps have disrupted the classic idea of "love until death" and it’s okay to keep going back to them?
True, but the real question is, how often are we going back, and with what mindset? At the start of online dating, there was a positive outlook—excitement about meeting someone interesting, falling in love. Now, it’s more like a million fears: Will someone like me? Will they reject me? Could they turn out to be abusive, a narcissist, or a liar?
Most people experience some form of mistreatment on dating apps. It’s now the rule rather than the exception. And I’d like to emphasize: it’s not just men who engage in this kind of behavior—women, too, can project their past negative experiences onto new matches in really unpleasant ways. There’s been talk of online dating etiquette, but I feel that not everyone is reaching for those principles or following them.
These negative experiences lead people to question and even redefine their own needs. They wanted love and closeness but didn’t find it, so they begin to look for strategies that might give them some relief.
What strategies are there?
They range from "I’m looking for lifelong love" to "carpe diem, I live in the now; let’s see what happens" or even to a complete dating detox: "I’d rather be alone than face constant romantic disappointments". I don’t want to place all the blame on dating apps, though. In my opinion, the issue is deeper and stems from a crisis in monogamous relationships.
What do you mean?
Women have fought for their rights for years and now have greater expectations of potential partners. These expectations are often contradictory, leaving heterosexual men feeling "lost". On the one hand, they’re supposed to treat women as equals; on the other, they’re expected to pay for dates. They should be gentle and sensitive but also dominant, decisive, and ready for intimacy on demand. This raises the question of how to build a partnership based on mutual respect when definitions of partnership differ—which is somewhat understandable given that men and women have been socialized differently. These gender differences will gradually diminish, but that will take time. A lot of time. Millennials are, to some extent, the casualties of these shifts.
The negative emotions triggered by using dating apps fuel a self-help market that gives the illusion that we can improve ourselves to boost attractiveness and feel better about ourselves. The truth is, we’re driven simply by the need for closeness and a sense of security. Through negative experiences, we sometimes try to repress this need.
I assume those most frustrated are the ones simply looking for a relationship but can’t find one on the apps.
For them, the disappointments are indeed the hardest to bear. But guilt is only part of it. Many are frustrated by the fact that people using apps are often already in relationships or married or simply dishonest. The problem is, we can’t verify this information. Men often claim in their profiles that they’re looking for lifelong love, even when it’s not true. They do this to increase their chances of being chosen by women.
Dating apps also attract a certain type of individual or, in psychological terms, people with a particular psychological profile. This is discussed by the authors of the book Attached, who refer to John Bowlby’s attachment theory. People with a "secure attachment style" [attachment style describes the nature of emotional bonds between individuals; there are four types: secure, avoidant, anxious, and anxious-avoidant], if they use apps, generally do so briefly, as they quickly meet someone through the app or in other ways.
Those with an anxious attachment style tend to attract avoidant types. So, it might seem like you’re chatting with three different people, but in reality, you’re interacting with one personality type—one with whom it will be very difficult to establish a lasting connection, because, to put it simply, you enjoy the chase while they enjoy running away.
